This is probably the most powerful testimony I have read recently and is typical for a great number of women and men in America today. This is the "heartland" I see America as.
(Warning, it is stark, real, and written by a woman who is honest)
DENISE'S TESTIMONY-IN SEARCH OF LOVE
Wow
Wow…..I guess my testimony starts when I was 3 years old. I had no idea that I was adopted.
My Mom had divorced my real father when I was two, so I didn’t know the difference.
I spent my childhood being pushed away by my Mother, because I reminded her of my real father.
Instead of hugs and kisses, I was hit and cussed.
My new Dad would stay out and drink, while I watched Mom cry.
Whenever he finally came home, (still drunk), he would throw things like “hot” grease, knifes, and whatever else he could get a hold of. The word GOD was never used in the family, unless it was followed with the word D---!
I grew up thinking this behavior was okay, and falling asleep in fear was a normal thing.
I really got excited when I was eight years old. Mom was bringing home from the hospital a little baby sister…a new baby to love?? Love for me was spelled WORK! I learned real quick how to do the dishes, dust, run the sweeper, clean the toilet, and change the diapers. I also learned how to be a shield for the new sister. I would block things from hitting her when Dad was drinking.
When I reached 14 years old, my friends introduced me to drugs, sex, and alcohol. It didn’t take me long till I was well known drug dealer. I had most of the high school hooked. I longed to be needed, and I was by those who were hooked.
At age 18 I fell in love with Barry, a carpenter. I was so happy to hear the words “I LOVE YOU”, something I had never heard before. I thought those were beautiful promises that came with our wedding vows, and I believed it was forever.
Soon I found myself working three jobs, because he wouldn’t work. I would come home from work, and end up mowing the 1 ½ acre yard with a push mower. Barry was on the couch watching TV and he remained there.
My hurt and frustration only became worse when he introduced me to porn. The things he made me do stripped away any self worth I might have had left.
I was mentally abused to say the least.
By this time I had so much anger built up inside of me. I developed a true hate towards all people. I so wanted to get even with people, after all people just brought pain. I found great comfort in witchcraft, and I started studying it. After all I loved Halloween, and I always dressed up as a witch. The more I studied the deeper I got.
Soon I would be washing down my “room” with Clorox, and not allowing anyone to step in that room. Casting spells on people, and seeing them come to pass was very rewarding to say the very least. Coming from a small town everyone soon knew EVIL was like my middle name. I sure advertised with 666 all over my truck. I fell in love with the power satan gave me.
One day while I was mowing the grass, a neighbor asked if he could help. Being tired I welcomed the help. This helper became my lover. Steve promised the stars, and the moon. I thought, “could it be the love that I so longed for”?
I ended up running away with Steve, and I left everything behind. My home, car, jobs, husband (of 15 years), and my family was all gone from my life. Steve had to be my knight in shining armor, least he sure talked like it.
The long awaited “sign of love” was on the way.
I was pregnant, and I had such high hopes of having a child to love. That all came to a devastating stop when the doctor said (at 5 months)….The baby is dead! The fact was it did not form correctly and parts were floating around inside me. The child needed to come out quick.
Words can never express how I felt looking at those pictures on the screen. The only thing I could make out was the child’s right hand. I almost lost my mind, and I had to go for counseling months after it was over.
My anger towards God was at an all time high. I remember standing outside, and looking up at the sky CURSING the only one who could save me.
Things from there only got worse. Steve lost his job and his car blew up. Soon the electric went off, and the bank came for the house. My parents really hated me for that, seeing they GAVE me the house (paid for) for a birthday gift. I let Steve talk me into putting a loan against it, now we had no money to pay the loan.
My Mothers response was “You made your bed now lay in it”! There was nowhere to go, and I found myself homeless. I slept in a car, and found pillows in someone’s trash can. Food was either found or stolen.
One of my friends gave us a little money to find a place to live. Steve found a mobile home (trailer) for sale really cheap. I was in total shock when I walked in and saw thousands of Roaches!! They were falling from the ceiling, and landing in my hair.
I finally at age 31 stopped and took a look at me for the very first time. I had finally gotten to the end of myself. I was full of hurt, pain, hatred, and everything else you can think of. My sister Jeannie tried to get me to come to church, but I laughed at that idea. A witch going to church…ya right!! I ended up going just to shut her up.
I will never forget that 28th day of August 1998. The preacher was speaking on satan, and how he comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). The spirit of God sure had my attention. My first thought was…..I have been following, and worshiping a killer! I sat there in tears for the rest of the service, hanging on every word the pastor said.
The pastor spoke of a God that forgives, and loves. I thought to myself…no…not what all I have done…a witch…that hated Him…no way!!! As the pastor kept on going, my heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to bust. When the Pastor said: There is nothing you have done, no matter how bad it was!! God is here with open arms to hold you, and love you as His child. All you have to do is come to Him.
I could hardly wait for the pastor to give the alter call. In fact when he did, I almost ran to the front of the church. With tears streaming down my face I fell into the arms of LOVE, TRUE LOVE!! I was saved not by a prince, but by the KING Himself. Jesus offered me eternal life with Him!!
I was born again, and on fire for God. I ran home to tell Steve about LOVE. To my surprise he was not as happy as I was. In fact it was making him very angry! Arguments over Jesus became a daily event.
Steve would call me names, and tell me what I could do with MY JESUS! He would try to keep me from going to church. Every time I came home there was an argument waiting for me. Steve started abusing me physically. He would rip pages out of my Bible, and shove them in my mouth. One day picked up an angle figurine, and started hitting me with it, till it of course broke. Once he literally picked me up, and threw me down a flight of stairs. Can you say…Unequally Yoked??
After 6 months of physical abuse he finally left me for another woman. That was such an answer to prayer for me!! Even though I was saved, and loved the Lord…I still had a secret HATE towards men. My pain at this point was so deep that only the Lord could heal it.
I spent 3 years growing closer to my King, and Jesus was so gentle with my broken pieces. The healing, and making me whole again took time. Jesus taught me how to really forgive, and pray for those who abuse you.
I moved out of Egypt to a new town. Found a job, and lived by myself. I didn’t date any men at all during this time. For the “first” time in my life…..LIFE HAD MEANING, AND I FELT LOVED!!!
I worked in a large call center with 500 co-workers. I became popular at work, and received many awards. Most of my time was spent at church taking classes to help me grow in my faith. I would try to keep myself busy.
Holidays were a difficult time when you’re single. I always hated Valentine’s Day. The day for couples in LOVE always left me out. I would see my girlfriends receiving roses at work, and I would act like I was happy for them. The truth was I secretly envied them.
I tried to hide my past from everyone until the local newspaper wrote a story about me in the faith section called “Out of Egypt”. I recall after this came out, my friends had sympathetic view towards me. They would give me one of their roses out of their dozen, and say “here since you don’t have anyone…you can have one of mine. While that was sweet of them to share, I would cry inward.
One day in prayer the Lord spoke to me about a helpmate. I tried to reject this thought, and I believed no man was worth any account. I do believe that the Lord was trying to show me that I was wrong when He impressed upon me to make out a list of what I wanted in a man.
This was easy for me to do. I knew exactly what I wanted.
First they had to love God, be home every night, and etc… I came up with 20 things I wanted in a man. I made this list impossible to be filled. If the Lord was sending him I had to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I would meet men at work that just wanted one thing, and I would scare them off with this statement: I am a deacon at my church! That usually scared all the unsaved ones away!
Holding fast to this list I made before the Lord was very hard to do, especially when people were making fun of me. People thought I was gay! If only they knew about the abuse that kept me. I refused to go back to my Egypt!!
I had a friend at work named Jen. She tried several times to get me to go out with one of her friends, his name being Jim. Jen told me that he was 6ft. tall with long blond hair. She lost my interest when she said he was an over the road truck driver. She assured me that I wouldn’t need for a thing because he makes big money.
I ran from this idea. I thought: that’s just what I need…a truck driver…so I could be one of his stops…I don’t think so!!! My list included that he had to be home every night! This guy was out for 2 weeks at a time!!!
I kept very close to the Lord. Listening, and hearing nothing was frustrating for me. Jen kept bugging me to go out to dinner with Jim. I finally gave in just to shut her up. This was my first blind date. We all agreed to meet in the parking lot at my work place. As I laid eyes on Jim, my heart starting beating like a 100 miles an hour. I was terrified, not of him but the sin I could fall into. After all he was my type. There he stood in a black leather jacket, long hair, and an earring.
I drove to the restaurant praying the whole way. Lord, please keep me safe, and He did.
When we got seated I tried my line that always worked in the past. I looked Jim in the face and said, I am a deacon in my church! To my amazement his response was, “I don’t have a problem with that”. I was shocked, because that always worked before.
I spent months talking with Jim, and getting to know him. Our lives were so much alike, and Jim was checking off the list I made quickly. He was down to the last one. The only one left was, he had to be home every night. Keep in mind I never told Jim about this list between me, and the Lord.
In prayer I would tell the Lord, there is no way a man would leave a job making $60 thousand a year to be here with me!?!? I felt like I had made a mistake. I was never one to be all about the money. Love was most important to me. I needed someone who would work beside me, and be a true help mate.
I will never forget the day Jim called me on the phone while he was on the road. Jim said that he wanted to come off the road to be with me. He wanted to know if I would still love him without the big money. I was totally silent with tears flowing down like a river.
How could I speak? That was the last thing on my list, and only between me and the Lord.
All the nights crying myself to sleep because I thought I made another mistake were over.
The Lord gave me the last conformation that I needed. My list of 20 things was completed.
When I finally answered Jim, I was crying so hard that he didn’t know what to think. Jim was always loved for his money, and figured that my silence was saying “forget it”!! Jim was surprised that I loved him without all the money.
I started telling Jim about my list I made before the Lord, and that today he had completed that list! Jim was surprised, and shocked too, because he had a list of his own. Can you imagine the Lord viewing all of this? The Lord saw both lists at the same time!
Jim offered to take me to the Outer Banks in NC on vacation with his family. On that beach he asked me to marry him. Jim even paid for my wedding dress and the wedding itself.
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